The Home Bartender's Vodka Challenge

I think everyone has a few friends that claim to be aficionados of "top-shelf" vodkas. If you are in the know, you probably have also read that article in the New York Times which designated Smirnoff (an American vodka) as being the tastiest vodka in town (over such vodkas as Grey Good and Belvedere). Since then, there's been some debate between my friends and i regarding whether top-shelf vodkas really are in fact top shelf. The problem is that most top-shelf aficionados are quite scared of one thing - doing a blind taste test which might reveal their pretense. This fear i think is what has driven a number of horribly designed faux-blind taste-tests that i've seen on the internet - the idea i think is that top-shelf aficionados will only do a blind taste-test if it's not really blind.

Can these alleged aficionados really tell the difference between top-shelf and non-top-shelf? Perhaps. What makes the question more difficult is that vodka itself is supposed to be partly defined as a liquor that has had virtually all of the taste sucked out of it. This is why you can have vodkas made from a variety of different materials (voignier grapes, various kinds of wheat, rice, corn, potatoes, etc...). As long as you've distilled and filtered the living shit out of the alcoholic liquid that you have (thus removing almost all of the taste), you have vodka. It makes things difficult, because it's not clear how these aficionados could easily tell the difference between top-shelf and non-top-shelf vodka. On top of this, i should note that it's the lack of taste in vodka that allows external factors such as marketing and price to affect the tasters impression of the quality of vodka. Vodka (in some sense) is specifically designed to be that drink for which marketing and price has its maximum impact!

Of course, there's the question of "burn". People who like top-shelf vodkas say that their vodka of choice has no "burn". This statement by itself is a little silly, in part, because there are lots of different kinds of "burn" when it comes to any alcohol. Some vodkas will have a "smooth" burn, while others will have a "rough" burn. Moreover, liquors will burn in different ways depending on how desensitized you have been to high-octane drinks. If you aren't used to high-octane drinks, then everything will "burn" - if you are used to them, then only your really horrible vodkas will "burn" in the rough sense. On top of this, some vodkas are preferred specifically because they have a kind of burn. A friend's mother claims that she wants to "taste vodka" when she drinks vodka - not taste water.

Why do i care so much about the observations that i've made so far? Part of it has to do with the fact that I have a number of top-shelf vodkas in my liquor cabinet and the people that do drink from my stash always want to drink the top-shelf vodkas. Now, i know what some of you will be thinking. Of course, the guest is always right, and as the host i should always be putting my top-shelf stuff on display. I think this is right to a point. One reason for not using top-shelf stuff is that one is making a mixed drink with strong flavors. Why does one not use top-shelf liquor in this case? Well, the idea, i take it, is that you can't tell the difference between top-shelf and non-top shelf once you mix Grey Goose in with Hawaiian Punch and Jagermeister. It's a waste of money and good liquor. Of course given this, you can see that this reasoning should also apply to serving top-shelf liquor by itself or in vodka martinis. If they can't tell the difference between top-shelf and non-top-shelf stuff when chilled, then you shouldn't pour them top-shelf stuff in these cases either. It would be JUST LIKE mixing Grey Goose with Jagermeister.

Keeping this in mind, i care about the above observations because i don't like it when expensive vodka goes to waste. Now, i'm not one to be horribly snobby and assume that my guests aren't able to tell the difference. Nor am i such a sucker for marketing that i'll assume that there is an actual difference between top-shelf and non-top shelf. What i am going to do is force all of my patrons to take a vodka taste test - a taste test that they must pass in order to reserve the right to order top-shelf liquor from my home bar.

Here are the rules:

(1) $5 entry fee to take the vodka taste-test. $5 will not be refunded upon one's passing the test.
(2) 6 vodkas will be chosen - each consisting of 1 shot of vodka. 5 of the vodkas will be chosen by the home bartender and will be of the non-top-shelf variety. 1 of the vodkas will be chosen by the test-taker and will be of the top-shelf variety.
(3) Taster will be required to rate each of the vodkas on a scale of 1 to 10 - 10 being vodka perfection and 1 being rubbing alcohol.
(4) Prior to tasting the taster can (at his discretion) choose to down one shot of Jim Beam to reduce the higher "burn" that normally accompanies the first shot of vodka.
(5) Vodkas will be poured in shot glasses of the same variety and coded with a numbering system to help the home-bartender identify each vodka. This is to say that the home-bartender will not know which vodkas are in which glass without looking at the numbering system. (the test will be double-blind).
(6) Vodkas will be chilled in the freezer for a period of 5 minutes prior to the tasting (i.e., they will not be chilled over ice).
(7) "Top-shelf" vodka will be defined as vodka that costs over 25$ per 750ml (based on the price of a standard 750ml bottle).
(8) "Top-shelf" vodkas that have a distinctive taste (such as Ciroc, or some potato vodkas) cannot be chosen as the top-shelf vodka, unless a similar list of 5 other vodkas can be found.
(9) Passage of test results in one's ability to order top-shelf vodka for a period of 3 months. Passage of test will also result in documentation of one's passing.
(10) Test is passed when the tester gives the "top-shelf" vodka the SOLE highest rating of all the vodkas imbibed.
(11) Test results will be published for the viewing of all.
(12) Passage of the test 4 times in a row will result in one's license being renewed indefinitely.

If anyone would like to modify or suggest rules, comment below.